My daughter and I were engaging in some retail therapy recently when she asked me a weighted question.
“Mom, would you rather have a ton of friends that are insincere and secretly hate you or be a friendless loser.”
I think I recall hearing this question posed on a TV show before. I didn’t want to brush her off with a half-hearted answer (because I could tell that she really wanted some earth shattering stuff from me) so I pondered my response for a moment. While I was pondering away, I overheard two women talking about their blogs and I paused longer than normal for my aging brain cells. Taking the opportunity presented to her, my daughter took off to drool over the newest item of distraction. Earth shattering stuff from Mom could obviously wait.
Ok, now I don’t know why or how but for some reason I just stumble upon situations that expose me to entertaining episodes or conversations. I’ve had friends laugh at my ability to attract amusing situations and I often joke about my various mutant powers. I think bionic hearing (a.k.a. eavesdropping) is a mad mutant skill (not necessarily of the power status – yet) that I possess. For actual reals. Just check out The cool moms and I’m not perfect but pretty darn close. Really. Check them out. It happens.
The blogging babes were discussing and comparing their various methods of blog pimping – I think “blog pimping” was even their exact phrase. They had my full attention (although I never made eye contact) and I semi creeperishily lingered by fondling every single bottle of the 100+ display of nail polish (my engrossed shopper disguise). Hey, a girl can never be too choosy with what she puts on her nails right? Only….one look at my nails would surely blow my cover. They don’t exactly emit the choosy vibe but rather scream a pathetic For the love of mankind, just cover me in something woman!!
Thankfully the blogging babes were too enthralled in their pimping conversation to notice the sketchy individual molesting the bottles of polish beside them. Because I had to hide my surprise at the information I was overhearing (I’m not like Lady Gaga and cannot pull off her P-p-p-poker Face), I reached for some aviators and a scarf. Sketchy officially turned celebrity bad disguise weird. No, (blushing) I’m not a celebrity. The weird is open for debate.
What prompted the possibly weird need for masking of the facial expressions? The blogging duo communicated a well thought out, systematic (ahem, manipulative) approach to blogging. They even mentioned articles that they read on how to pimp your blog. I’m only listing 10 of the cold hard facts that they discussed. Here we go:
- Troll other blogs and leave comments whether you feel it (as in the blog and blogger) or not in the hopes of baiting them into visiting your blog.
- Obtain a religious following by inferior (their exact word) bloggers who took the bait and now are drinking your blog’s Kool-Aid. But remember, Pimps don’t drink the Kool-Aid.
- Routinely leave comments on the blogs of individuals who have the potential to scratch your back.
- Be willing to sing blog praises to the scratching back bloggers whether you mean them or not.
- Seldom leave comments or acknowledge a blogger (who may write decently but doesn’t have much to offer you) – Yes they said this – remember they are going for inferior Kool-Aid drinkers or high power back scratchers.
- Be a butt kisser. Whatever it takes cuz after all, they’re pimping (their words).
- Laugh at other blogs and not in a “haha, hahah that cracked me up YouAreSoooFUNNY” way. But in an “omigosh you are so pitiful that it is laughable” way.
- Don’t read the entire blog entry but just skim out enough to make it seem like you did. How? They just happened to discuss this. Comment on certain points and even copy and past from the original entry (that you only skimmed) to appear as if you read the entire entry.
- Establish an inner blog sanctum or clique and keep outsiders out unless of course, they are Kool-Aid drinkers, butt kissers or have something to offer.
- Crush the competition…appearently there is blogger competition.
Ok. I am still at a loss for words and have a bad taste in my blogging mouth. Do bloggers really do this? Was I that naive to think they didn’t? Mmmhmm, I was.
I am guilty of some of their above 10 pimping points. You see, I visit sites (that I enjoy). I leave comments (that I mean). I copy and paste (from entries that I actually read). That’s where it stops. I never look at visits to other blogs as a way to boost my own blog’s stats. I write what I write and if other bloggers stop by well then I am happy to meet them! I truly love people stopping by but I do not use them for my own gain. There are no hidden motives or agendas here.
I don’t kiss butt. I never cared much for the emotional aftertaste. Insincerity causes me to hurl – chunks. If I leave a comment or make repeat visits it’s because I really feel a connection with the blog/writer. I’d even subscribe to my favorites if I knew how (yep, imma loser with a Capital L). And while we’re on it….what is RSS feed??!? Many days around here my nostrils are barely above the rising waters of life. My time is limited and pimp is not one of the hats I wear.
I thought about asking them their suggestions of how a social blogger like myself (with all of my 50ish twitter followers) could sincerely promote other bloggers. But then I realized that I would most definitely fall into their pitiful, back scratcher challenged, laughable category and they would laugh. Right there. In my face. And offer me a glass of Kool-Aid while they scratched each others back.
Competition? What’s that?
Blog clique? Really? I already graduated from highschool. All characters are welcome here.
Kool-Aid? Grape is my favorite so if you’re serving I just may have a sip, but only one.
Inferior? Puhleeze! We are all inferior.
Scratch my back? Well, that’s not why I stopped by but, if you insist. A little to the left, up, down, over, right…..ahhhh, thanks.
Laugh at other bloggers? Yes I do – when they write something super funny. I have been known to spew tea (I’m a tea addict) across my computer and urinary dribble (not on the computer) on multiple ocasions. Laugh because they are pitiful? Who defines pitiful? What is pitiful? We are all pitiful…I was molesting nail polish while exercising cranial nerve VII (pulling off some great auditory stalking) in an aviators and scarf disguise. Pitiful. Go ahead, laugh. It’s ok.
Seriously. I am beyond disappointed with this newly discovered information. So tell me, how do you guys feel? I think it safe to assume that those of you who stop by do so because you kinda like it here. I mean, I’m not serving Kool-Aid (not even grape) and I don’t own a back scratcher.
Please tell me these pimps were high on their own scratch-and-sniff and that this behavior is NOT the blogging norm. It isn’t…right?!?
My daughter returned and said “Cool scarf and aviators. And I like the black polish. Can we get them all?”
Without blinking, pausing or brain cell stalling I replied to her (in earth shattering decibles), “FRIENDLESS LOSER! ”
I’d rather be a sincere friendless loser any day and it hasn’t hurt my daily blog stats that much either….all 12 of them.
It’s ok. You can laugh.