Monthly Archives: October 2011

Words of mistaken identity

Since my last post I have been thinking about the past several decades, most of which brought a big smile to my face.  The images of myself in all of my grandeur are just too pathetic not to laugh.  While those images will be quickly forth coming (yes, I will post the actual photos), today I wanted to focus on words.

Words, words, words.  I love them.  I read them. I eat them. I speak them.  Unfortunately the latter I have not always preformed correctly.  If you are like me you may have grown up thinking a phrase of words was something entirely different from what it actually was.  Right?  No?  Lost you already?

Rewind 20 some years ago to when I was a young adult.  I was sitting at my parent’s dining room table, THE social hub of the home, telling my Mom about a venomous women I had the misfortune of encountering.  It was not enough for me to merely describe this female with her fangs and claws.  I felt as if I needed an association for my Mom to truly get it.  So, with extreme emphasis I said,

“She’s a real Natilda the Nun!!”

There was a very brief pause accompanying the momentary blank look on my Mom’s face.  Then, she burst forth in gut wrenching LAUGHTER spewing partially chewed food across the table (so not the reaction I was expecting.)  After she regained her composure and had the Heimlich maneuver performed a time or two, she managed to choke out,

“You mean Attila the Hun”

Natilda the Nun, Attila the Hun — eeh, close enough. Although at the time I was horrified with my blunder not to mention covered with my Mom’s sprayed food particles.  Gross, but effective.

The first time I heard this phrase, Natilda the Nun made perfect sense in my young mind.  Especially after I listened to the stories my Dad told of the Nuns whacking his hands with rulers in the Catholic school he attended.

Natilda the Nun seemed like an ideal match to the phrase and had my Mom not so memorably corrected me, I would continue to bring Natilda the Nun to many conversations today!  I just wonder if anyone would have the jazz to tell me Natilda is really Attila?  Probably not.  But not to worry, Natilda is still very much a part of our verbal dialog because dear ‘ol Mom brings her up every chance she gets!

Here are a couple other words of mistaken identity we have embraced.

  1.  Let us snot into temptation.” This is from the Lord’s Prayer and should read “Lead us not into temptation.” As a young child it seemed totally reasonable to me that snotty nosed children would be the ones walking off to engage in tempting sin.  Thankfully, the realization of my error came by way of self-revelation after reading (yes, again delayed revelation) the Lord’s prayer IN PRIVATE.  Because it was only a matter of time before someone heard me proudly belt out “LET US SNOT INTO TEMPTATION.” And then they would laugh.  And mock me for years to come.  Let us snot into temptation…because if you’re going to sin, do it with some snot!
  2. Maury Deemer:” While the song ‘My redeemer lives’ was playing my youngest asked “Mom is Maury Deemer the Jewish name of Jesus?” I also had the momentary blank look and pause of my Mom but spared my precious child from the trauma of forceful laughing, food choking, ridicule and simply asked “Why?” He was quick to reply “Because that song is saying Maury Deemer lives and I just wanted to know if that’s Jesus’ Jewish name?”  Melt my heartAnd the fact that he is 7yrs (rather than my pitiful mid 20’s) is adorable and stills the laughter.
  3. Kill-her: My youngest defined the word “killer” (which he pronounced kill-her) when he was 4yrs old as,  “a man who only kills women.” I let him continue thinking that his definition was correct for about a year until his siblings provided the appropriate definition (sans mercy).  I have  listed more of his 4yr old definitions below.
  4. Hillbilly:  A person who lives on a hill and loves billy goats.  There was too much truth to correct this one!
  5. Psycho-mean-and-act (his exact pronunciation): “psychomaniac”  He informed us this was a psycho person who was mean and acted out.  He particularly enjoyed calling the grocery check out cashiers this name. I guess he felt some sense of empowerment as he muttered “Psycho-mean-and-act” after one cashier impatiently yanked away and bagged (the nerve) his ring pop.

Women and their rings.  No wonder men curdle at the thought of engagement ring shopping.  They’ve had one too many Natilda the Nuns hijack their ring pops.

From nuns to psychos, what words of mistaken identity can you add to this list?

Life, identity theft and time alterations

I was on the computer checking the grades, homework, schedule etc. when Mr. Pavlov peered over my shoulder with eyebrows raised.  After seeing what was on the screen he said with disappointment,

“Oh, I thought you were writing something for your blog.  You know, you haven’t done a blog post in a while!”

Life happens and before you know it the house is a mess, humans are professing starvation and muscle wasting, and (now that we have a pack) the dogs are resorting to the nature of their ancestor wolves.

It is nuts here!  Literally, nuts and blogging has taken a seat in the way back of my Semi-truck.  Tick toc goes the clock and that monster isn’t kind nor does it allow any grace.  Those seconds, minutes and hours keep on moving no matter how much I kick and scream or pretend that I am Joshua.  Yes, I’ve even resorted to mild identity theft by claiming that I am Joshua of the Bible (Joshua 10:1-15) in the midst of a modern-day, domestic battle but it didn’t produce the time advantage that I was going for.  The sun kept moving.  God seemed to know that even though my life is at times, a battlefield, I am not Joshua and we are not fighting Amorites (although my kids do a spot on impression!)

Time is a powerful thing.  It ages us, and for 40+ women, this is something we’d like to slow down.  It ages our kids.  Overnight.  Just yesterday, I know my kids were in diapers and finger painting with their poo (only one created such a masterpiece all over my walls – you guess which one).  And now they are in various stages of reaching adulthood.  Uno forcefully informed us “I’m ALMOST 15!!!” when she thought a decision we made (as to whether she got to go out and experience the dark side) was too restrictive.  Almost 15!!!  Where did that time go?  And why can’t I remember it all?

My Mom told me when I was cowlick deep in bottles, diapers and sleepless nights to “enjoy this time because it goes by too quickly.”  At the time I thought she was a sick and insensitive creature who was teetering on calculated psychosis (sleep deprivation alters your perception) spouting off words that were easy for her rested cells to say.  But after I had a few hours of sleep and ceased to reek of breast milk, I knew she was onto something and I was the psychotic one.

So fast forward some 15 years and now I’m off to make my family millions as I discover a way to slow time down…when and ONLY WHEN desired.  Hmmm, and while I’m at it, I think I’ll also work on speeding it up during the awkward or uncomfortable moments in life (all the women holla Gyne exam and yes men, I got your fisted prostate exam covered too.)

Enjoy this time – all of it – while you can because it goes by too quickly (or it will once I patent my invention!)

A picture of insanity

Meet the Schnoodle, our new addition

As IF an English Lab and a Chihuahua were not enough dander producing creatures to abide in our home, we took in a Schnoodle (part Schnauzer, part Poodle).

Why?!?

But I need my very own dog! I LOVE her! She NEEDS me and I NEED her!

Sigh, incase you couldn’t figure it out by now I am a sucker for cute, manipulative kids and animals have always had my heart!  Wish me well as we continue to add to our zoo and the “R”esponsibility that comes with it.  I seem to avoid the “R” word until after the fact.  But not to worry, we are responsible pet owners which is why we haven’t dumped our food scavenging, neighborhood trolling, professional vomiting, massively shedding English Lab yet.

Tell me what works for you and your pet zoo.  How do you guys handle the responsibility of caring for your pets and budgeting the expense (those Vets are making the cash $$$!) Oh my, I just realized that we will now have three dogs to find sitters for when we take those elusive family v-cays!!  Yikes….suggestions?  And offing them is not an option – just sayin’