Tag Archives: exercise

Eat me is not to be used as an excuse….

Since I am incubating my muffin top (click to see previous post) I decided to do it up right!  I decided to indulge in so many extra calories that I will drip sugar sweat all over my elliptical. 

Today I fired up the oven and cranked out the baked goods like some non-human conveyor belt.  Equally as rapid was the taste testing and oh, was I reminded of how sick one can become after mass amounts of sugar consumption!  I operated like a well oiled machine.  Some on the tray, some in my mouth…Some on the tray, some in my mouth.  I felt like Laverne and Shirley working on their brewery assembly line job, only I remained in my kitchen bathed in flour and dehydrated from sugar overload. 

 Yes, muffin top you have great possibilities this season. 

Laverne and Shirley on the assembly line

 As I was assembling and cooling my goods I happened to notice something.  Let’s see if you can identify the common denominator in these photos…ready?

Photo #1

I spy with my little eye...something....

 
Photo #2 

I still spy with my little eye…

 

 See it or should I say her?  Yes, my biggest baking fan and supporter.  She is patient.  She is crafty.  She will wait and attack with perfected table surfing skills which would earn her a 10.0 should she be scored.           
                                                                                                   
 She is none other than my faithful food driven Lab.  She will sample my creations with or without permission regardless of the final outcome.  Burnt, dry, doughy, or divine it doesn’t matter to her.  Agility and air assault are combined with one big inhalation and the goodies are gone.  Not even a single crumb is left behind as a reminder of what was.  The plate is licked clean and if one would feel inspired to take a closer look (like say, the baker whose goods are suddenly GONE), the streaks of dried canine saliva are evident.                                                                 
 
The kids, when being piggish, have actually tried to use the table surfing dog as an excuse for vanished product.   However, if these above mentioned canine spit streaks are absent then the dog is pardoned and the kids are judged guilty.  The chocolate stains on their little mouth(s) also helps to excuse the dog from certain doom.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
                                                                                                                                   

After the rage passes and a few deep breaths are taken, I must admit that her effectiveness is rather impressive.  She can clear a table faster than anyone or anything I’ve ever seen…and I’ve been to many all-you-can eat buffets and have experienced (up close and personal) the “folk” who frequent these joints.  I think the XXXL adult bibs with personalized food stains troubled me the most. 

Shiver, back to my food stealing lab…..

Eat me!

My children, who have turned into food stealing lab defense attorneys, have launched their case as “Mommy, it’s almost as if the food is beggin’  for her to “eat me.”  And she does. 

 

 

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Some views are better than others

The Holiday season is [crashing] upon us.  Tis the time of year when we get together with family and friends to enjoy a little bit of laughter, socializing, and drinking.  But wait, there’s one more element….the bonding glue of every social event….(key the heavenly choir)…FOOD!

What do you mean ONE per person?!?

I am continuously amazed at my ability to shovel more calories into the hole underneath  my nose during this time of year than the entire calendar year combined!  So it should come as no surprise when my Ann Taylors begin to get snuggish (one of my many made up words) around the waist.  But I am always shocked to feel my newly formed Holiday muffin top.   “Hmm, now how did that get there?” is the question I find myself asking in total surprise each year.  Initially, I suck it (as in the buldge) in until sucking it in no longer works.  Then I resort to bed gymnastics, contortions and daring physical feats all aimed at maneuvering my flesh mound into the desired outfit.  If I can mold myself into the clothing without passing out or popping off a button, then it is deemed a success.  Who cares if I have to walk like a robot all day, laugh gently and sit gingerly with extreme care…It Was A Success!!! My Ann Taylors Are ON MY Body! 

My Holiday muffin top

 
Eventually, an intervention must occur and it usually comes months later in the form of physical torture.  It only makes sense that after months of shoving unlimited amounts of  food in, it is going to take some sweat and massive physical pain to burn it off.  Darn you late 30’s metabolism! 
 
Enter the gym.
 
I’m sure all of us have been to the gym at some point in our lives right?  We’ve all see the sights…the people and their bodies in various forms of aerobic splendor -some of which are more visually [blinding] traumatic than others.  The smells.  I’ll let the period be a period at the end of the smells.  The grunts, gasps, groans, convulsions, spasms and general gym noise. Ahhhh, now this is the atmosphere of burning calories. 
 
And yes, while there is nothing quite like the gym experience, I have chosen to eradicate my muffin top in my home with my precious elliptical gym.  You see, home is where I can sweat, stink, become a partial exhibitionist, grunt and groan in my private nirvana.                                                                                                                               
Well, semi-private because of the kids and their tendency to get grossed out easily.  Not that I am concerned with my candid ability to cause their stomachs to churn but I am bothered by the fact that they will repeat the incident to every stranger within ear shot for days, months and years to come.  AND usually at the most inopportune time like when I am meeting the parents of their school friends.  It is during this crucial time of introduction(s) that my darlings will belt “This is my mom and she drips sweat from her belly button!”  Nice.  Just what these parents wanted to know about me and my belly button.   But even given the situation of my privacy being held hostage by kids with diarrhea of the mouth, I am still opting for my home gym.
 
And besides, where else do you get a view of those suffering along side you quite. like. this???  Taken while I was moving out on my elliptical hence, the blur.
I’m suffering so why are you taking my picture? You sick, sick sadist!
 
AHAHHHAA!  Let the home gym experience begin, yet again!  Ann Taylor: be prepared to fit beautifully on my bod.