“OH what a relief!” the older woman shouted dramatically as she nearly plowed me over to grab the last bottle of Aqua Net, the glue for her doo. “I don’t know what I’d do without this” she cooed while her already distressed hair groaned. Aqua Net, a relief? Not in my book where I tend to prefer non-brillo pad hairstyles. However, several ideas began to quickly slam into my mental solace screaming what I would consider to be a true relief. Not in any particular order, but rather randomly as they barraged me, they are…….
Just add more clothing and female parts and there I am!
- Sleep: Ahhh, pillows, sheets, comforter…my bed. I can put away the hours like a fraternity kid downing beers at a keg party. I have slept through earth shattering thunder storms, booming fireworks, and sadly even my children’s cries in the middle of the night. I am a professional when it comes to sound sleep. I have always been this way and can not blame hormones or any event for my sleep habits. My camera happy dad even captured [what he thought was] a Kodak moment of me crashed out in bed after a grueling shift at MickeyD’s during my high school days. Considering that the photo was taken during my high school era explains why I was not concerned with the condition or hygiene of my sheets and collapsed back first into my bed…still clothed in my grease infused uniform complete with the matching visor which was still intact on my spit drooling head. The aroma of the hamburger and french fry perfume I bathed in each shift was enough to draw out even the most timid mouse as it wafted through my room. I would deny this greased sheet occurrence had Dad not Kodak captured the moment. I have decided to own it and own it proudly.
- Tea: I am a tea junkie. A tea freak. Tea is my crack. Tea is my friend. Tea spells the ultimate relief. I am a picky tea crack head though. I will not randomly gulp tea for the sake of a fix. As I wrote in this blog before, my tea has to be just right. I must mix the sugar and the milk to perfection. Those who know me know to forgo hospitality and simply provide me with the goods and I will crank out a cup of my own personal awesomeness. Recently while in the Middle East we were able to have tea with the nomadic Bedouins in their tent. We reclined in the middle of the desert on reclining mats in Mr. Bedouin’s big tribal tent as Mr. Bedouin passed out small amounts of tea in dirty cracked cups to match his less than clean, weathered and worn hands. I felt myself begin to twitch. My mind was processing information about less than adequate sanitation, cracks that harbor bacteria and the many saliva coated lips that had slid across that cup before mine faster than my heart was beating. Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead as I politely raised the tainted cup to my lips with shaking hands. Holding my breath I quickly ‘one-gulped’ the tea, trying to abide by the 5 second rule, as I nodded and forced a “MMMMmmm” and a smile. When asked why I drank the tea I responded that I am not a snob and we were in the middle of a Middle Eastern desert with Middle Eastern Arabs, in the middle of the desert with Arabs….Refusing did not seem like a viable option. Plus, my son was with me and it is a known fact that actions speak louder than words. I can’t speak about loving people and embracing different cultures while demonstrating the opposite with tea snobbery. Down the hatch was the only option for the tea housed in a cracked dirty cup prepared by hands with filthy finger jam. I won’t even discuss the pita bread and how those hands, which were in need of a good dose of GermX, violently and forcefully molested the dough.
As real as she gets
- Realness: Not a word? Well, for me it is. It’s one of my made up ones that I use frequently. Like Relationshipinal. I made that word up and use it when a movie is jammed packed with tons of relationships and all that good stuff. Realness is being real, who I am in total rawness. I love the o’natural state of being. I feel like an animal at the zoo living in my natural habitat and many days I look like one too. Nothing feels more relieving than a shower to hose off all the make-up. I can rock out the messy bun giving Peebles a run for her bone (Flintstone style). I love to don the loose, comfy clothes and ‘let it all hang out.’ Well, that last statement just sounded good because truth be told, there is not much to ‘hang out.’ So while I may be raw and animal like, absent are any free hanging anatomical parts to gross out spectators and cause small children to ask their parents difficult questions.
I love you
- Reading: I love books and books love me. I added the last point because my mom drilled into our heads “you can’t love something that doesn’t love you back!” Books are filled with love and I enter my version of literary heaven propped up on the couch in the ‘book zone.’ I can silence the world around me with amazing talent. Ok, so maybe not silence but the vocals of those who try to engage in unwanted conversation while I am engrossed in my latest obsession, tend to take on the sound of Charlie Brown’s teacher. Waa-waaa-waaa-waa-wa. Yes, I am a book geek. I can fly through a book freakishly fast. In fact, if I were a mutant speed reading would be my power. Boring? Stop being a hater.
I’m sure I could go on but for the sake of my numb backside (stupid acrylic nails I had applied for a wedding turned me into Edward Sissorhand typer) and your ocular relief, I’m calling this a wrap. I have to achieve some realness with my nails, make a cup of tea, read my latest infatuation and get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s. I’m curious….How do you spell relief?
Posted in My Tales
Tagged animals, Attitude, Books, Emotion, funny, get real, Hair, humor, Make-up, Randomness, sleep, tea, Travel, Words
Oh, I forgot…did I mention that the L’oreal self tanner stinks? Most bottled tans do so I was not surprised however, what I was not prepared for was the Neutrogena spray self-tanner. We used this one as well and turned our bathroom into a thick foggy chemical haze. It was bad. When we were done the floor had a sticky residue that even freaked out the boys who usually bring the disgusting into our home and are phased by very little. When I woke up the next morning and walked into the bathroom I ran into a wall of stench. It resembled urine and could easily be blamed on the trigger happy males in our home. However, being mature and responsible having used self tanners before I knew immediately that this smell was from the chemical in a bottle tan.
Enter daughter: “UGH! MOM, The bathroom smells like pee!” Fighting the urge once again to blame it on the boys, I explained that it was from the spray tan haze we created and that I used Clorox on the floors. It should get better.
12 hours later: The smell is still present and even the boys are complaining. The sink and every surface have been cleaned. Clorox has been doing its thing on the floors yet the smell still lingers.
24 hours later: Rotten, rank — the smell persists. The youngest has a little Sponge Bob toilet seat (below) that he places on the big toilet seat when he has to poo and occasionally it will get splashed with pee. My daughter “Mom, I think it is his toilet seat. It has to be!” Low blow. She tried to blame it on the boys? Now, where would she get that idea? I explained that on average there is more nasty on the main toilet seat than his little seat and that it would take a whole lot of gross to stench up the entire bathroom. So we concluded that the self tanner has to be on the walls, the woodwork, the shower curtain and the bathroom curtains. Like an alien life form it has permeated our living space and is sinking into the pores of our home.
baby boy's bathroom luxury
Today: The washing machine is groaning as it runs full speed. I have vowed to eradicate this urine-mimicking chemical from our home. and if all else fails I can always blame it on they boys or take the high road and pin it on the Sponge Bob seat!
A ton of sparkles – although not so evident in this photo
Just a short review 24hr after using the L’oreal sublime instant bronzer on my pale, milky body. Well, it does give color! However, you must watch out for color clumps, massive callus, cuticle and under the fingernail uptake (making these areas freakishly dark) that plague most self tanners. You really have to WASH your hands well – like scrub the skin off well!!! Also, the “bronzer” means it has sparkles that will give you a Twilight Vampy appearance when you hit sunlight – above and below.
Sparkles where sparkles shouldn’t be
I haven’t noticed this problem with the lotions. They are more subtle but also take at least a week to give color. With the instant Bronzer I awoke transformed into a lovely somewhat tan specimen with sparkling skin.
L’oreal Sublime Bronze instant action, Coppertone Gradual Tan, and Dove self tanning lotion
If you are alive and breathing then you most likely heard about all the damage the beautiful sun does to our skin. If you’re teens-20’s then you may have the “nothings gonna happen to me” attitude and still bath in UV rays. Been there and LOVED it. I even have the skin damaged, photo pigmentation changes to prove it. Back in the day it was baby oil and iodine to stain your skin– oh yea!! Some brave souls even broke out the Criso oil but I just couldn’t get past the sizzling meat image. However, I was a total sun freak and got my freak on proudly. But, sigh I had to stop as I was visually scared by one too many wrinkled, elderly beach pruned raisins…I mean, women. Thigh skin should remain on the thighs and NOT droop below the knees…chest skin should not have more folds than a paper fan and human skin should not resemble that of an Elephant.
Now, if you are anything like me and desire to ward off more wrinkles than necessary but want to do it with some color, then you may find yourself considering the world of self tanners. I must say that they have come ALONG way from their original creation and there are a TON to choose from. Have you found yourself standing in front of rows of self tanners asking yourself which one to buy? I do every season and sometimes I walk away with either a dozen (exaggeration…well, kinda) or not a one depending on my mood, frustration level and how many of my kids I have with me at the time. Some of the tanners are streakless, some are creams or lotions, some are sprays, some are tinted brown and gel-like, some are instant and wash off, and on and on and on! Enough. Just give me some color!! AND preferably not the orangish color that screams “I applied a self tanner!”
So here’s what I’m gonna do. I bought three (cheaper brands – there is a whole other world of $20 and above self-tanners) and I will test these babies out and let you know which ones I like. Oh, I just remembered that I have the spray type too. Costco bulk special of last year. I’ll have to dig it out of my closet and hopefully it isn’t toxic. Also, my baby girl who radiates natural color is also testing them with me so we will have a good idea of how it effects a milky, pale, blood drained person like myself and a beautiful, golden, tropical beauty like my daughter. She has been using the lotion type (Dove) and I must tell you that it is nice. The only down side is it takes at least a week to achieve some color. But if you have the time, it is super easy to apply and blend so gone are the clumped orange areas, darker knees, elbows and ankles. So far it looks very natural but then again she is lovely. I must try it on my whiter than white body and see if I make any children cry.