Tag Archives: sweat

I perfected my maniacal laugh thanks to Sears

After months and months of ark building rain, we have finally received a hefty dose of hot weather.  Spring was non-existent.  We went from 50’s to 90’s within days and most bodies convulsed at the extreme shift.

Not this body because this previous tar roof, baby oil drenched sun bather loves the heat.  The hotter the better!  You see, heat tolerance is my mutant power.  I may drip gallons of sweat that gross little gnats and other bugs get stuck and drown in but I can handle high temps like I was born in the jungle.  However, every mutant has an achilles heel and mine is that I like my sleep.  Somehow suffocating temps and sweat filled sheets tends to interfere with my rest and sanity.

When the thermometer reached mid 90’s you could hear the sound of A/C units coughing and sputtering from their winter slumber.  Instinctively, Mr. Pavlov and I headed for the thermostat to usher some cool climate into our hot box home.  But the “cool” blew out warm air.  We stopped and looked at each other with horror filled expressions as we said in perfectly blended harmony….

….”Sears never came!!!”  Ah Sears, stupid Sears.  Somehow we got roped into a price match from Sears that included a 10 year warranty replace/repair plan on the central A/C we purchased in 2002.  We should have trusted our screaming inner voices and stuck with the local heating and cooling company.  Two years ago our A/C unit began to leak cooling agent and the incredibly intelligent Sears repair men informed us that they would continue to add cooling agent until [insert big burly laugh] “AHAHHAAA-HERRR-HERR-HERR Your warranty runs out then your can pay to have it replaced.”

Um, AHAHHAAA-HERR-HERR….NO! We pushed the issue and after jumping through every imaginable hoop and hours of phone conversations, we were told the A/C would be taken care of and replaced.

Remember the little /repair listed in the warranty? Well it seems that someone, somewhere found the exact part that our A/C unit required and Sears decided to opt for the repair rather than the replace.  Sounds reasonable enough?

The “Part” took 9 MONTHS to come in!!  I think they dug it out of a land fill somewhere.  Sears decided to make us wait 9 months through the heat of summer because they found ‘The Part” in some remote corner of the globe.  Yes, we went without A/C the entire summer last year and after the second day of not sleeping due to suffocation and sweat drenched sheets, this heat walker got a little cranky.  I began to experience flash backs of my childhood days where cool cloths draped all over my body became necessary in order to sleep.  I got twitchy.  I called Sears daily and laughed a maniacal laugh when they informed me it would be a “few more weeks.”  I cried.  I threatened.  I sweated…buckets.  I regretted making fun of my dad for placing a ceiling fan in every room of their home.  I dug out the old school floor fans and tried to make the most of the injustice.  I slept outside for a few minutes until the mosquitos and their all you can eat buffet forced me indoors.

Old school A/C

Finally in December they came to our home with “the Part” and made the repairs to the A/C.  It was DECEMBER and due to the 10,000 feet of snow that buried the outdoor unit, they were unable to adequately charge it.  They were freezing and had frosted snot droplets on their nostrils.  I smiled but then became serious as questions regarding their job performance formed in my mind.  On a normal day I question the quality of their work and somehow I believe freezing temps and frost bite would render these men A/C repair impotent.  But before I could become too concerned, these highly dependable Sears employees said they were finished and would come back in April or May to fully charge the beast with the cooling agent.  They informed me that we were placed on the April/May schedule and they would automatically return.  I nodded and shut the door.

Enter MAY 29th and Mr. Pavlov and I stood staring at each other as beads of sweat formed in our crevices and our A/C blew tropical warm.  SURPRISE!!!!  Sears never came or we’d be feeling some Polar Bear happy temps.  I made the calls while squeezing my stress ball.  Somehow this highly dependable company with its well-trained employees “forgot” about our situation.

Day three of 90 degree weather and we are becoming oddly comfortable with the suffocation and our wet sheets.

Sears said they will be here tomorrow.  Santa Claus is real and so is the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy….and I love my sleep deprived state!

Some views are better than others

The Holiday season is [crashing] upon us.  Tis the time of year when we get together with family and friends to enjoy a little bit of laughter, socializing, and drinking.  But wait, there’s one more element….the bonding glue of every social event….(key the heavenly choir)…FOOD!

What do you mean ONE per person?!?

I am continuously amazed at my ability to shovel more calories into the hole underneath  my nose during this time of year than the entire calendar year combined!  So it should come as no surprise when my Ann Taylors begin to get snuggish (one of my many made up words) around the waist.  But I am always shocked to feel my newly formed Holiday muffin top.   “Hmm, now how did that get there?” is the question I find myself asking in total surprise each year.  Initially, I suck it (as in the buldge) in until sucking it in no longer works.  Then I resort to bed gymnastics, contortions and daring physical feats all aimed at maneuvering my flesh mound into the desired outfit.  If I can mold myself into the clothing without passing out or popping off a button, then it is deemed a success.  Who cares if I have to walk like a robot all day, laugh gently and sit gingerly with extreme care…It Was A Success!!! My Ann Taylors Are ON MY Body! 

My Holiday muffin top

 
Eventually, an intervention must occur and it usually comes months later in the form of physical torture.  It only makes sense that after months of shoving unlimited amounts of  food in, it is going to take some sweat and massive physical pain to burn it off.  Darn you late 30’s metabolism! 
 
Enter the gym.
 
I’m sure all of us have been to the gym at some point in our lives right?  We’ve all see the sights…the people and their bodies in various forms of aerobic splendor -some of which are more visually [blinding] traumatic than others.  The smells.  I’ll let the period be a period at the end of the smells.  The grunts, gasps, groans, convulsions, spasms and general gym noise. Ahhhh, now this is the atmosphere of burning calories. 
 
And yes, while there is nothing quite like the gym experience, I have chosen to eradicate my muffin top in my home with my precious elliptical gym.  You see, home is where I can sweat, stink, become a partial exhibitionist, grunt and groan in my private nirvana.                                                                                                                               
Well, semi-private because of the kids and their tendency to get grossed out easily.  Not that I am concerned with my candid ability to cause their stomachs to churn but I am bothered by the fact that they will repeat the incident to every stranger within ear shot for days, months and years to come.  AND usually at the most inopportune time like when I am meeting the parents of their school friends.  It is during this crucial time of introduction(s) that my darlings will belt “This is my mom and she drips sweat from her belly button!”  Nice.  Just what these parents wanted to know about me and my belly button.   But even given the situation of my privacy being held hostage by kids with diarrhea of the mouth, I am still opting for my home gym.
 
And besides, where else do you get a view of those suffering along side you quite. like. this???  Taken while I was moving out on my elliptical hence, the blur.
I’m suffering so why are you taking my picture? You sick, sick sadist!
 
AHAHHHAA!  Let the home gym experience begin, yet again!  Ann Taylor: be prepared to fit beautifully on my bod.